Read This When You Feel Like a Failure

spoiler: I'm writing this for myself, too.

There’s a U2 song that goes, “There is no failure here sweetheart / Just when you quit.” I've held those lyrics close a lot since I’m someone who feels like she’s failing when she doesn’t live up to the high, unarticulated expectations she holds herself to. It’s been a lifeline for me, a reminder that you can’t really fail as long as you keep trying. It may sound like a simple truth, but it’s one I keep learning over and over again.

When I was a kid, I was obsessed with the show Mythbusters. On the show, the group solving myths had a mantra: Failure is not an option. I don’t remember exactly why they said this, but I know as a kid, I had a huge problem with it. Failure has to be an option, I thought. You have to be allowed to fail! The thing is, I vastly misunderstood what that saying meant. It simply means that failure is not an option because the ultimate outcome won’t be a failure — you keep trying and keep trying until you succeed.

I think these two truths — the U2 song and the Mythbusters’ motto — are really fitting metaphors to explain how we with chronic illness have to function. Failure isn’t an option for us, and we keep going because we literally have to. When I was younger, I’d often get told “You’re so brave” or “I have no idea how you handle it” in reference to my chronic pain and other symptoms. It was hard to know what to say because… I don’t know, I just did. I didn’t know any differently. You handle it because you have to. You handle it because this is your life.